Not Cooo

In Germany, every now and then they discover an unexploded bomb or shell from World War II that’s been sitting quietly underneath an apartment building or a nursing home for 60+ years, and zee bomb squad has to come and remove it. Apparently this is such a common occurrence that they’ve gotten really good at it, and nobody really thinks that much about it when it happens.

Washington D.C., however, is not a place you would expect that to happen, given that fact that it hasn’t been physically involved in a war since the 1860s. But it turns out that this sort of thing can happen anywhere, because my university announced this morning that it was taking precautionary measures as the Army Corps of Engineers is going to be spending the next few months removing some mustard and arsine gas left over from World War I, when part of the campus was used as a chemical weapons storage facility.

Several questions immediately come to mind.

First, whose bright idea was it to store chemical weapons in the nation’s capital at all? Wouldn’t, say, the middle of Montana been a better choice?

Second, after the war was over and the chemical weapons treaties had been signed, whose idea was it to not store the weapons somewhere safe, or even destroy them, but to dig a hole, bury them, and then close down the facility?

Third, whose idea was it to not keep records of the fact that chemical weapons were buried in this hole so that people would not build a university campus there?

For now, though, I will take comfort in the fact that, in the event of the release of large quantities of mustard and/or arsine gas on campus, a siren will be sounded and email alerts will be sent out to all students, faculty, and staff. As I sit at my computer and read the email while my eyes turn blue and my lungs boil away, I’m sure I will be grateful that someone is looking out for us.

I wonder if you can buy gas masks on eBay…

God Better Get a Damn Good Lawyer

Yes, frivolous litigation has moved to the next level, and it isn’t even an episode of The Colbert Report.

Now seems like as good a time as any to announce my upcoming lawsuit against the English language for appropriating my name and using it as a verb.

Terrorists Move to the Next Level

Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly terrifying. Not content to mess around with rocket-propelled grenades, IEDs, crashing planes full of people into buildings full of people, or even mailing anthrax to government employees, The Terrorists have decided to ramp it up a notch (bet that sentence set off some alarms at the NSA). About ten notches, actually. This should make everyone stop and remember what the War on Terror is all about–protecting innocent people–and why we have to win it. If The Terrorists succeed with this latest ploy, the alternative to winning is just too horrible to imagine.

See it here.

You Know You Work at an NPR Station When…

…you step into a deserted stairwell and are nearly suffocated by the smell of patchouli.  What is that stuff supposed to do anyways?  Surely no one actually thinks it smells good, right?

How Much Brainpower Does It Take To Get An MBA?

Actual exchange in accounting class this morning:

Professor: “Who can tell me how an implicit cost is different from an explicit cost?”

[Silence.]

Professor: “Anyone?”

[Silence.]

That Guy On the Front Row Who Likes to Hear Himself Talk: “It’s implied?”

Professor [enthusiastically]:”Yes, that’s exactly correct!! An implicit cost is IMPLIED!”

Ironically, TGOFRWLHHT will probably be making six figures by the time he’s 30. Screw this master’s thesis….

My Name in Lights (again)

After his close encounter with fame last year in the form of a movie about his great-grandfather, the Wildebeest is pleased to announce that next year he will once again be in the spotlight. Or sort of, anyway. Well, not really him per se, but his name at least. Ok, a lot of people have that same name, but not many, and the ones who don’t probably wish they did.

I am speaking, of course, of the upcoming release of Horton Hears a Who–the movie version.

Horton was always one of my favorite books growing up, and not just because my last name was in the title. There’s something compelling about Horton the elephant that other Dr. Seuss characters like Sam I Am or the Cat in the Hat didn’t have. I mean, the Cat’s complete irresponsibility was charming, but ultimately kind of annoying–he was fully prepared to let the kids take the rap for all the chaos he caused until some residual strand of conscience kicked in. Sam I Am just didn’t know when to let it go–I mean, the if the guy is that opposed to eating green eggs and ham then let him eat yellow eggs. He would have had a lot more fun if he had just gone and found some people who were already open to eating green eggs, or green mushrooms, or whatever it was he ate that made him see gloved foxes sitting in boxes waiting to eat breakfast with someone.

Horton, on the other hand, went through the entire book with true nobility. He was kind of a loner to begin with, spending all day splashing around in the cool of the pool in the jungle of Nool. But this never made him question himself–no, not Horton. In fact as soon as he hears the Whos for the first time he is instantly completely sure of what’s going on, and what he’s going to do about it. Lesser elephants might have done a little self-checking (see earlier post), or sought independent confirmation, or sat around wondering how the Whos got there, but not Horton.

In fact, Horton’s experience can be generalized to many other types of people. Artists are often ridiculed for doing things that many people think are strange but are actually massively important contributions to society. A certain Alabama judge by the same name had the courage to stand up for his own version of Whoville 80 years ago. If you are a religious person you could see Horton as a kind of prophet speaking the truth to the Philistines. Dr. Seuss neglected, of course, to show the 99% of elephants who started talking to dust specks simply because they spent one too many afternoons splashing all by themselves in the cool of the pool, or ate one too many green eggs, or otherwise just went bonkers. Nevertheless, Horton provides some hope to those whose interests and passions lie well outside the bounds of what society considers to be normal or acceptable.

As for the movie, I’m not sure Jim Carrey was the best choice for Horton–that sort of reinforces the image of Horton as a buffoon that the book is trying to counter. I would have definitely gone with Jean Reno or Robin Williams or somebody like that. Steve Carell as the mayor of Whoville should be pretty sweet, though. (Note to any poor souls who have not yet seen every episode of The Office: see every episode of The Office as soon as possible.)

In any case, it will be a good excuse to revisit some childhood memories. I might even have to buy a copy of the book for myself and add it to my “walk down memory lane” shelf, right next to Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger.

One More Reason (as if you needed another one) to Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Buy a Dell Computer

And this is the reason:

This is what a Dell Inspiron 1150 looks like immediately after having devoured its own hard drive. Not just nibbled at a couple of sectors or munched on a couple of random files, but downed the entire thing with a single greedy gulp.

And this is not the first time this thing has exhibited self-destructive tendencies, oh no. About six months after I bought it, it decided that its own motherboard would make a right tasty snack. Last summer it suddenly took an intense dislike to Windows XP and erased its own operating system. If it had had access to a grocery store I’m sure it would have eaten it with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

I could tell a long, frustrating story about all my dealings with Dell customer service trying to get them to honor my warranty (which is now expired), but I am so sick and tired of seeing this thing looking back at me with some error message or other that I just want to get rid of it and never think about it again.  I finally understand that scene in “Office Space” where they take the fax machine out into the field and pulverize it with a baseball bat.

Any suggestions for putting it out of its deranged misery?  I’m thinking of tearing out its still-throbbing CPU and feeding it to a hungry goat before its eyes as it shuts down for the last time.

Wildebeest Wisdom

Check out the newest addition to the Wildebeest Online: the Wall of Quotes. Quotes submitted for inclusion will be considered, and probably rejected without explanation.

It’s Been a Hard Week for the Little Guy

Note: gentleman readers may want to cross their legs before reading any further…

These two articles are short enough that I’m going to post them in their entirety. Do not try any of these at home, especially if you are a Demon Dwarf.  And ladies–what the hell??

Woman sets fire to ex-husband’s penis

MOSCOW (Reuters) – A woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was “difficult to predict.”

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

“It was monstrously painful,” the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

British dwarf’s penis gets stuck to hoover

EDINBURGH (AFP) – A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or “Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf”, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed AE with a vacuum attached to me,” Blackner said.

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”

Lil’ Thangs

The Wildebeest is no stranger to accomplishing Important Things. Just this morning, for example, he managed to drink half a cup of coffee and eat an apple while communicating with three people simultaneously on Facebook. About ten minutes ago he was able to cut a frozen pizza into more or less symmetrical pieces using his bare hands (and a steak knife). No mean feats, to be sure.

However, the rest of the day was filled with little errands and tasks of no particular importance, including:

1. Working out
2. Buying a frozen pizza
3. Driving the Turk to the post office
4. Closing his two-week-old Netflix account on the final day of the free trial (note to potential Netflix customers: they do not carry “Wildebeests Gone Wild”–very disappointing)
5. Researching the terms of Blockbuster’s free trial
6. Taking a nap
7. etc.

While the satisfaction derived from completing every item on his list of things to do is in no way equal to the satisfaction of an Important Thing, like fending off a cheetah attack on the herd, or the sight of a freshly decimated swath of Serengeti after a particularly exciting stampede, it is still a nice feeling to have at the end of the day. The Wildebeest intends to fully indulge himself for the remaining four days of his vacation.